Hi friends—
For the last few weeks I’ve been wrapping my head around the abortion debate and it’s been a struggle to address it, both personally and here in writing. There is a part of me—the male part—that thinks my opinion doesn’t matter and because this could never happen to my body it’s something that I don’t have the right to talk about. But I believe that men need to weigh in because childbirth is, biologically speaking, a pattern of evolution that is shared by both genders, if not physically then emotionally and spiritually, regardless of a person’s individual experience of gender. Ironically men also account for 73% of the lawmakers in U.S. congress. It’s also been on my mind because Eva and I recently had a baby and we have a story of our own. While that story isn’t unique it addresses some of the ideological questions I have surrounding this issue. Allow me to explain.
When Eva and I went to the first ultrasound we found out that there were two sacks. Yes, twins! This is a note from Eva’s phone on July 12th:
I kept looking at your dad to make sure he wasn’t going to pass out, and giggling in between because….of course this was meant to be and I’m so ready for you both!! Please be healthy, please be strong, your mom and dad are earthside, preparing for your debut. We love you both!
At first we were terrified. Then we started to warm up to the idea. Then we fell in love with the idea. This was early on, about six weeks into the pregnancy. At the second ultrasound two weeks later one of the twins (“Baby B”) was looking good but the other twin (“Baby A”) was not. The doctor told us that Baby A had fluid underneath its skin and around its neck, chest and abdomen. The images on the sonogram also indicated that the baby had not formed correctly. This condition, known as hydrops fetalis, was caused by a genetic abnormality and “best case scenario” the baby would pass on its own. We were devastated but optimistic that Baby A would make it. Eva and I felt very strongly about that.
About a month later we had another ultrasound and Baby A was bigger and its heart was still beating strong. At this point the stakes were higher because if Baby A continued to grow it would put Eva and the healthy baby at risk. Eva was already considered “geriatric” because she was over 35 so the doctor recommended a selective reduction. This procedure is used for abnormalities (to keep the mother safe) but also when people get pregnant with multiples and decide they only want one or two. Some people do that. Many doctors don’t perform reductions, mostly for ethical and liability reasons, but also because the procedure itself is delicate and risky and if not performed accurately, can jeopardize the entire pregnancy. It’s also not covered by insurance so we would be paying out of pocket, up to $10,000.
Shortly after that we got a phone call telling us the gender of the twins. Girls. Eva grew up with three sisters and dreamed of having girls. We cried and continued praying for Baby A. Then the final call came, thirty minutes later. The results of the genetic screening. At first the doctor told us that everything looked fine. Then he said Baby A had Turner syndrome. Turner syndrome is a condition that affects only females when one of the X chromosomes is missing or partially missing. Most babies with Turner don’t make it and the babies that do live a very hard life. They are infertile and usually have a host of developmental problems like osteoporosis, autoimmune disorders and heart defects. So we had to make the excruciating decision to get the reduction. Luckily we found an empathetic doctor who wanted to help and didn’t make us pay an exorbitant amount of money. Eva went in for the procedure the next day.
The silver lining is that we have a beautiful baby girl. Her name is SaBina (Baby B) and she loves bees. We’re so lucky, so grateful, but we think about Baby A often. We’re still wrapping our heads around things and there are so many conflicting emotions that accompanied us on this journey. But the truth is—and I promise you I’m not being dramatic—if this procedure, technically an abortion, had not been accessible to us, it could have been very bad for Eva. And Sabina… she could have died. Baby A had hydrops and Turner syndrome. The fetus was not properly formed and was taking precious resources away from the healthy baby and her mother. This genetic abnormality happened during conception and there was nothing that anyone, including god, could do about it. Baby A had no chance of living a good life and if she, in the most extraordinary circumstance, was born, she would have died soon after. In this case being pro-life required being pro-choice.
It is crucially important that this issue not be reduced to an all or nothing debate. A simple yes or no. The context, in every case, must be carefully considered. On the medical side, that is the science: the opinion of doctors and trained staff, testing and procedures, pre and postnatal care, medical interventions. For the patient, it’s their comfort, their preparedness, their ability to listen to the free, objective advice that is given to them within a free, objective system that empowers them to make free, objective decisions. Withholding information or forcing someone to do something that they are not prepared to do is at best negligent and at worst, inhumane.
Let’s keep supporting our women and fighting the good fight.
Love to all,
p
***Last minute edit: As I’m writing this Biden has just signed an executive order protecting abortions rights.
So we shall see.
I think it was probably very difficult to share this news, but still worthwhile since clearly some women are going to have to face this difficult decision. You wrote about it with dignity and courage and handled it with super prose.