A couple of years ago I was having a conversation with a dad about his son during a parent teacher conference. This man’s son had expressed a growing dislike for school and his father was attempting to change his mind about it. When I asked what he hoped his son would accomplish at school, his response was surprising: “I want him to learn how to talk to people at a party.”
There is no script for getting along with people. We misread cues, words come out wrong, we stutter, misstep - so much is lost on the journey between speaker and listener. If there was a formula for teaching social skills, how would you define it? How would you adapt into something teachable?
Communication demands that we accept the inherent awkwardness that comes from being around others, and cultivate the virtues of focus and patience.
I became fascinated with communication after I went to acting school. Studying the behaviors and idiosyncrasies of others not only forced me to engage with the world in a completely different way, but it got me out of my own head and into the world. I started to notice the similarities between the conversations I was having in my daily life and the technical aspects of performance I was learning in class. I started asking questions: what makes a good conversation? How can we have better conversations more often? And then, for some silly reason, I thought I could write a book about it.
This post is not about the contents of the book itself but rather the process of attempting to write a non-fiction book (which everybody seems to think they can do nowadays) from the perspective of someone who has no idea how to write a non-fiction book.
CHALLENGE #1 - Is this a viable idea?
I went to the library and started reading books about the art of conversation. I wanted to see how much information was already out there and get a sense of whether or not I could find an interesting way to tackle to the subject matter.
I noticed that this particular section of the library was quite small, especially in a large library (LA Central). This allowed me to “niche down” and not get so overwhelmed by choice.
I flipped through some books.
Some were good, others were mediocre. I borrowed two books (one great, one mediocre) and compared them at home. I wanted to how the books were organized and why some books were easier to read than others.
CHALLENGE #2 - Creating a system of organization
The first good book was dense (450+ pages) and I began typing my notes on my computer. I quickly realized that I was just writing down random stuff that resonated with me and this method would be incredibly labor intensive.
I decided that I needed a physical system of organization where I could see the notes in front of me. I wanted to:
Make it easier to organize notes in the future
Only write down what was essential (what I could remember)
Actually see the progress I was making
Interact with the material with my hands and head
I began compiling notes on index cards and writing my thoughts about the notes on the back (see the Capture and Create strategy from Jim Kwik). As I continued, I realized that pretty much all of the notes fell under these categories:
I created the index by color-coding each of these sections and arranged them in commonplace book that I’d used before:
CHALLENGE #3 - Beginning research
I bought a bunch of highlighters, colored index cards, and Post-it notes that matched the colored index. I returned the library book and purchased my own copy so I could highlight different sections. This saved a lot of time because I could now refer to each section quickly and create a new index card only if I considered the information to be essential.
As I finished reading the first book and began work on a second, I noticed certain themes emerging:
Body Language, Listening, Small Talk.
I realized that these themes would probably become the chapters for the book, but I was open to that idea changing. I also created another section which I called “Content.”
Because conversation is so interdisciplinary, I realized that I could repurpose my notes for social media and generate some buzz around the book. I also have aspirations to start a company that helps people communicate more better, and this could be the first step in that process.
I also created a Word Map and other miscellaneous notes that helped me nail down the objective and formative structure of the book.
Then I started a new job and everything went to shit.
Well not really. It just got harder.
CHALLENGE #4 - How to keep going
I’m still in the research phase of the book which is technically the first phase. That’s kind of discouraging when you look at it like this:
Research
Compilation
First draft
Revise
Second draft
Who the hell knows
Yes the creative process is a bitch, but I have to remind myself that I started writing a book (!) and you bet your arse I’m going to finish it. Writing this post has helped me clarify the end goal and I plan on revisiting my progress here in the future, to hopefully share some insights from this process with you.
Until then, I’m wondering: is this a book you would read?
Pete is a teacher, writer and self-explorer currently living in Los Angeles, California. He was born and raised in Melbourne, Australia, and moved to New York City in 2009 after winning the green card lottery. You can find him on Twitter @petedymock.
Pete, there is a fluency in your writing. You do know how to write, so reading your book will be a pleasure. Please keep up your intention and just don't look back. You're going to have a book before you know it. Lofton